Pain: Suck it up, Sunshine (Part 1)

 

Pain is lonely, pain is unique, pain chokes your emotions like the penny sized pill you take to control your pain. 

No one knows your pain. 

No one feels your pain. 

Suck it up, your pain is a guilty pleasure compared to others. 

Someone else feels worse than you. Others are plegic, viral, diseased, dying. 

But yet, you hurt, 

you cry, 

you hobble and humble. Don’t feel sorry for yourself -- suck it up, sunshine. 

Am I blessed for feeling pain? Gaining empathy? Anointed by a broken spirit? 

My curtains are drawn, my heating pad keeps me company. My bag of ice numbs me. If only I had hope -- if only I can see the sun shine again, then maybe I can redeem myself -- care for others as I wish to be cared for. 

At least, I don’t have…

Cancer, or worse, 

a child with cancer…

Deal with it! It could be worse -- count your blessings. 

But, it hurts. The pain hurts and I want so badly to allow myself to feel my pain without counting my blessings. It really fucking hurts. I want to wallow. 

I curl-up into just the right position to stop the pain, 

to take a painless breath, 

to soften into a time before the pain, a memory of who I was.

I spy you: controting in your yoga, hiking your 6miler, walking to the end of the block. I hate you for it, I hate myself for hating you. 

I can’t be the person you want me to be, 

I can’t just suck it up and move. 

I can’t be the person I want to be. 

Frustration drags me down into depression. Depression drags me down into the dark abyss. But, there is something deeper and darker and that is absence. 

One, Two, Three…

it is up to me to find the sun -- 

time to rise and shine.